The Right Motivation of Doing
A couple years ago, I was living in Seoul, South Korea.
As I was sitting in the sanctuary of my church, I was in a desperate conversation with God.
Nothing tumultuous was occurring in my life, per se, but my soul was at war with my spirit.
You see, living in South Korea was very contrasting to the lifestyle and culture when I lived in America. Family values, right of passage, work ethics, pace of life...you name it. For the unknowing Westernized foreigner, living in Seoul was quite a roller coaster ride.
As I assume, most foreigners who migrate to Seoul encounter an inevitable intense confrontation of identity. There are many demands, pressures and expectations to conform and assimilate into the busy Korean pace of life, especially in this country's capital city. The person that you identified with back "at home" may attain some attention to who you are, in this foreign land, it felt but a mere quick glance by the societal rules and demands of life or mistakenly labelled by your outer appearance. ln some cases, almost celebrity status may be donned on lyou if you appear from an Anglo decent. Still, many (but not all) may not act accordingly towards what preconceived definition they have towards you according to superficial information about your person, but they are definitely believing it inside. Many foreigners whom I've encountered have gone through similar struggles whether the struggle of identity relates to stark difference in definitions of heritage, customs, beliefs or even job positions. I have met hundreds of foreigners, and it is a common understanding that most go through these types of struggle.
Into living one year in Seoul, I find myself praying in an almost empty sanctuary, desperate, feeling stripped of my identity and not sure how I can be satisfied with myself or plans for the future. All my esteem of serving and "feeling good" about myself, toward my past ministry achievements and experiences have all faded away to this point. I felt useless and without a purpose for God. I wanted to get back to the basics. I was at the base because I knew I was back to the start. I kept asking Him, "What can I do to show you I love you?" Over and over, I kept asking and finally I heard an answer.
"Nothing."
"What?...nothing? No, I don't think you realize what I'm asking...What can I do to show you I love you."
"Nothing."
I was baffled. My whole life I equated works with faith synonymous and one without the other is dead...(James 2:26.) Was I hearing God right?
Then Holy Spirit spoke, "Esther you want to do something for me, because you want my approval, love and acceptance. You cannot do anything for that. That was given freely to you. Any debt you have or feel you need to pay was paid at the cross. Jesus paid it all. Repentance is not about paying Me back."
"Whoa." I knew this already, but at that moment, I realized that I didn't believe it, or that I only had a very shallow understanding of it. That truth just sunk into a whole new level of understanding. (Thank you Holy Spirit for revelation!) My understanding of doing equated to my need of approval and paying back God motivated by...guilt...self punishment and self-justification. I pretty much pushed aside Jesus' act on the cross to make myself feel better of paying back God (which is pretty ridiculous if you think about it.) Ouch and wow...
"Ok..." not sure how to rephrase my question, "So, how do I love you?" realizing my act of "love" towards God has been off kilter.
"Receive my love."
"Uh, well, it just occurred to me that I can't even do that...if I am trying to pay you back for it. How do I do that?" Ping! Another revelation: when I try to work for my salvation (ouch even hurts to admit it) I am not receiving God's love. It's a rejection of His love. Oooooo... another ouch!
"Just receive it."
"I need Your help God. I realize that I don't know how to receive love. You need to teach me even how to do that!"
Then I saw an image of a young girl, perhaps 3 or 4 years of age. Her Daddy comes home and she is in delight. As she runs to him, he swoops her up in his arms twirling her and gently throwing her up in the air as she burst into giggling delight.
I hear God say, "You see that girl. She has no worries or apprehension of how to please her daddy. She doesn't calculate how many steps it takes for her to run to her dad. She doesn't debate whether to skip, hop or run. She doesn't worry about giggling two times or four. She runs and as her daddy picks her up and delights in her, she receives it without a thought, with freedom. That's how to receive my love. Like a child."
"I see. I will try my best." I said it with what my heart could muster. It was like it was the first time hearing and receiving this concept. It felt new and mysterious but clear at the same time. My burden was gone and the ride of walking with Jesus is extremely more joyful, more than ever.
Many things have happened in my journey in Seoul, and many things after, but I realized in that time, God really cares about the motivation of the heart... in conjunction with outcome or even sometimes moreso than the results. Many societies and cultures today really look at the end product as the end, but God really challenges and brings out what is in a person's heart and the motivation behind it. That is why God hates "religious" and "prideful" behavior so much. A repetitious act with no/selfish heart behind it means nothing. All things without love is nothing (Corinthians 13.)
God is still God. He can bring about good from all situations, good or bad, but that doesn't mean that He rather us go through damaged and broken ways and circumstances repeatedly, rather He desires us to live and move in full and powerful love, peace, joy...the fruit of the spirit.
For me, and I'm sure many others, I did not realize the depth of the lack of love I was missing. I was trying to love back a God full of love with weak attempts of self proof (in the form of works)...it was impossible. He knew that I needed to receive first from Him--himself, his love & affections, so that I can love Him back without misdirected striving. That's why the root of the scripture says, "We love because He first loved us." (I John 4:19)...therefore we love one another (the doing part.)
The doing comes from the overflow of our love and affectations of an amazing God, a beautiful Savior, a wonderful Counselor. It may not feel naturally easy all the time, or the task at hand may feel like there's resistance from your soul, but your spirit/heart knows what the motivation is, if you take the time to listen to it, adjust to God's love and operate out of it.
As I was sitting in the sanctuary of my church, I was in a desperate conversation with God.
Nothing tumultuous was occurring in my life, per se, but my soul was at war with my spirit.
You see, living in South Korea was very contrasting to the lifestyle and culture when I lived in America. Family values, right of passage, work ethics, pace of life...you name it. For the unknowing Westernized foreigner, living in Seoul was quite a roller coaster ride.
As I assume, most foreigners who migrate to Seoul encounter an inevitable intense confrontation of identity. There are many demands, pressures and expectations to conform and assimilate into the busy Korean pace of life, especially in this country's capital city. The person that you identified with back "at home" may attain some attention to who you are, in this foreign land, it felt but a mere quick glance by the societal rules and demands of life or mistakenly labelled by your outer appearance. ln some cases, almost celebrity status may be donned on lyou if you appear from an Anglo decent. Still, many (but not all) may not act accordingly towards what preconceived definition they have towards you according to superficial information about your person, but they are definitely believing it inside. Many foreigners whom I've encountered have gone through similar struggles whether the struggle of identity relates to stark difference in definitions of heritage, customs, beliefs or even job positions. I have met hundreds of foreigners, and it is a common understanding that most go through these types of struggle.
Into living one year in Seoul, I find myself praying in an almost empty sanctuary, desperate, feeling stripped of my identity and not sure how I can be satisfied with myself or plans for the future. All my esteem of serving and "feeling good" about myself, toward my past ministry achievements and experiences have all faded away to this point. I felt useless and without a purpose for God. I wanted to get back to the basics. I was at the base because I knew I was back to the start. I kept asking Him, "What can I do to show you I love you?" Over and over, I kept asking and finally I heard an answer.
"Nothing."
"What?...nothing? No, I don't think you realize what I'm asking...What can I do to show you I love you."
"Nothing."
I was baffled. My whole life I equated works with faith synonymous and one without the other is dead...(James 2:26.) Was I hearing God right?
Then Holy Spirit spoke, "Esther you want to do something for me, because you want my approval, love and acceptance. You cannot do anything for that. That was given freely to you. Any debt you have or feel you need to pay was paid at the cross. Jesus paid it all. Repentance is not about paying Me back."
"Whoa." I knew this already, but at that moment, I realized that I didn't believe it, or that I only had a very shallow understanding of it. That truth just sunk into a whole new level of understanding. (Thank you Holy Spirit for revelation!) My understanding of doing equated to my need of approval and paying back God motivated by...guilt...self punishment and self-justification. I pretty much pushed aside Jesus' act on the cross to make myself feel better of paying back God (which is pretty ridiculous if you think about it.) Ouch and wow...
"Ok..." not sure how to rephrase my question, "So, how do I love you?" realizing my act of "love" towards God has been off kilter.
"Receive my love."
"Uh, well, it just occurred to me that I can't even do that...if I am trying to pay you back for it. How do I do that?" Ping! Another revelation: when I try to work for my salvation (ouch even hurts to admit it) I am not receiving God's love. It's a rejection of His love. Oooooo... another ouch!
"Just receive it."
"I need Your help God. I realize that I don't know how to receive love. You need to teach me even how to do that!"
Then I saw an image of a young girl, perhaps 3 or 4 years of age. Her Daddy comes home and she is in delight. As she runs to him, he swoops her up in his arms twirling her and gently throwing her up in the air as she burst into giggling delight.
I hear God say, "You see that girl. She has no worries or apprehension of how to please her daddy. She doesn't calculate how many steps it takes for her to run to her dad. She doesn't debate whether to skip, hop or run. She doesn't worry about giggling two times or four. She runs and as her daddy picks her up and delights in her, she receives it without a thought, with freedom. That's how to receive my love. Like a child."
"I see. I will try my best." I said it with what my heart could muster. It was like it was the first time hearing and receiving this concept. It felt new and mysterious but clear at the same time. My burden was gone and the ride of walking with Jesus is extremely more joyful, more than ever.
Many things have happened in my journey in Seoul, and many things after, but I realized in that time, God really cares about the motivation of the heart... in conjunction with outcome or even sometimes moreso than the results. Many societies and cultures today really look at the end product as the end, but God really challenges and brings out what is in a person's heart and the motivation behind it. That is why God hates "religious" and "prideful" behavior so much. A repetitious act with no/selfish heart behind it means nothing. All things without love is nothing (Corinthians 13.)
God is still God. He can bring about good from all situations, good or bad, but that doesn't mean that He rather us go through damaged and broken ways and circumstances repeatedly, rather He desires us to live and move in full and powerful love, peace, joy...the fruit of the spirit.
For me, and I'm sure many others, I did not realize the depth of the lack of love I was missing. I was trying to love back a God full of love with weak attempts of self proof (in the form of works)...it was impossible. He knew that I needed to receive first from Him--himself, his love & affections, so that I can love Him back without misdirected striving. That's why the root of the scripture says, "We love because He first loved us." (I John 4:19)...therefore we love one another (the doing part.)
The doing comes from the overflow of our love and affectations of an amazing God, a beautiful Savior, a wonderful Counselor. It may not feel naturally easy all the time, or the task at hand may feel like there's resistance from your soul, but your spirit/heart knows what the motivation is, if you take the time to listen to it, adjust to God's love and operate out of it.
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