Happy Kislev! Day 7: A month of remembrance of thanksgiving, dreams & miracles!
(I know I missed the day by some minutes, but I'm still gonna blog anyway!)
Growth beyond my wildest expectations
I have vague memories from when I was young. I know I was somewhat of a happy child before my parents got divorced...maybe even idealistic? Here are some brief memories of my childhood in contrast to what I've grown into now...
If I remember correctly, when I was in elementary school they had school elections for student body and I wanted to run for Treasurer. I even spelled the word "Treasurer" wrong on my posters, but it didn't seem to bother me one bit. I must of been in 1st or 2nd grade. I thought it would be fun.
The walls of my bedroom were covered, not in wallpaper, but some sort of fabric. The pattern of the fabric was themed in desert, palm trees and pyramids. I would stare at the walls, touch the texture of the fabric and wonder if I would travel anywhere exotic someday.
After the divorce, I became much more quiet and suppressed many emotions and dreams. I can't really remember any deep desires or dreams I had, but looking back I know the Holy Spirit was leading me through it all.
After the divorce, as I'm sure most children from divorced families do, I started to compare the lack of a Father figure with other kids, televisions shows and books that I was reading. Holy Spirit gave me a gift in the form of a revelation. God is my father when my earthly father wasn't around. He's the best father that anyone could have, far more than any earthly father. That is a major revelation to have as an elementary school child (maybe it was when I was in middle school).
In middle school, I was in the school library, and a thought came into my mind... not a thought, maybe more like a day-dream vision. I saw myself as an adult. A woman who was beautiful and mature and looking back on the memory of where I was exactly at the moment as I was experiencing it. Even then, I thought it a very strange way of thinking/day-dreaming. Just imagine! I could see myself as an adult cherishing the present child that I was. It was shocking because I had low self-esteem, and I really didn't like the image I had of myself at the time, but the future me loved the child-me (present) so purely and deeply. It made myself very uncomfortable. Weird. I can only explain that it was the Holy Spirit and he was giving me a glimpse of who I would become so I would be encouraged as a child to press on.
Because self-doubt and low self-esteem took over, I became very quiet, not talkative and took the role of "everyone's helper" except for myself.
***
In contrast (too much to explain and not enough time in one sitting) I summarize what I've become.
***
I am living a life that most people would think either crazy, unwise, or admirable which takes a whole lot of faith, guts, or passion (depending on who is observing my journey)!
If you have been reading my blog, you will know that I have been quite a traveler for some time now (not always out of preference.) Looking back on the memory of wondering if I would travel anywhere exotic... uh, I laugh and just scratch my head. Who would of thought of all the places God has brought me to and through! So much more to come!
The Father heart of God. WOW. Ok, He's been honing me on the subject my whole life, but it came with a TNT break-through a few years ago. One of the major walls that blocked me from fully receiving God's love (as a father) broke down when an older couple was praying over me. The husband took the role of a father and spoke to me as my father. He spoke things that my heart always desired and missed to hear from a tangible voice of a father--everything from hearing how proud he was of me, to asking for forgiveness of what is limited by being human as a father. When that happened, I didn't realize what would happen next--the tsunami-like flood of love from God, the father, was now entering and filling me...Amazing.
Because of this, I am growing more into my identity of how God sees me. It's not my broken, distorted view of who I thought I was. Lies, they were all lies. I am growing to be that image of myself that I saw when I was that adolescent in my school library!
Along with that, my real personality is flourishing back to what it was like before the divorce. Less afraid to make mistakes, having fun in the journey and taking on things against any odds that don't seem to hinder me as much. God has been, is and will continue to walk with me through this journey called life, but it just keeps getting better with Him.
Growth beyond my wildest expectations
I have vague memories from when I was young. I know I was somewhat of a happy child before my parents got divorced...maybe even idealistic? Here are some brief memories of my childhood in contrast to what I've grown into now...
If I remember correctly, when I was in elementary school they had school elections for student body and I wanted to run for Treasurer. I even spelled the word "Treasurer" wrong on my posters, but it didn't seem to bother me one bit. I must of been in 1st or 2nd grade. I thought it would be fun.
The walls of my bedroom were covered, not in wallpaper, but some sort of fabric. The pattern of the fabric was themed in desert, palm trees and pyramids. I would stare at the walls, touch the texture of the fabric and wonder if I would travel anywhere exotic someday.
After the divorce, I became much more quiet and suppressed many emotions and dreams. I can't really remember any deep desires or dreams I had, but looking back I know the Holy Spirit was leading me through it all.
After the divorce, as I'm sure most children from divorced families do, I started to compare the lack of a Father figure with other kids, televisions shows and books that I was reading. Holy Spirit gave me a gift in the form of a revelation. God is my father when my earthly father wasn't around. He's the best father that anyone could have, far more than any earthly father. That is a major revelation to have as an elementary school child (maybe it was when I was in middle school).
In middle school, I was in the school library, and a thought came into my mind... not a thought, maybe more like a day-dream vision. I saw myself as an adult. A woman who was beautiful and mature and looking back on the memory of where I was exactly at the moment as I was experiencing it. Even then, I thought it a very strange way of thinking/day-dreaming. Just imagine! I could see myself as an adult cherishing the present child that I was. It was shocking because I had low self-esteem, and I really didn't like the image I had of myself at the time, but the future me loved the child-me (present) so purely and deeply. It made myself very uncomfortable. Weird. I can only explain that it was the Holy Spirit and he was giving me a glimpse of who I would become so I would be encouraged as a child to press on.
Because self-doubt and low self-esteem took over, I became very quiet, not talkative and took the role of "everyone's helper" except for myself.
***
In contrast (too much to explain and not enough time in one sitting) I summarize what I've become.
***
I am living a life that most people would think either crazy, unwise, or admirable which takes a whole lot of faith, guts, or passion (depending on who is observing my journey)!
If you have been reading my blog, you will know that I have been quite a traveler for some time now (not always out of preference.) Looking back on the memory of wondering if I would travel anywhere exotic... uh, I laugh and just scratch my head. Who would of thought of all the places God has brought me to and through! So much more to come!
The Father heart of God. WOW. Ok, He's been honing me on the subject my whole life, but it came with a TNT break-through a few years ago. One of the major walls that blocked me from fully receiving God's love (as a father) broke down when an older couple was praying over me. The husband took the role of a father and spoke to me as my father. He spoke things that my heart always desired and missed to hear from a tangible voice of a father--everything from hearing how proud he was of me, to asking for forgiveness of what is limited by being human as a father. When that happened, I didn't realize what would happen next--the tsunami-like flood of love from God, the father, was now entering and filling me...Amazing.
Because of this, I am growing more into my identity of how God sees me. It's not my broken, distorted view of who I thought I was. Lies, they were all lies. I am growing to be that image of myself that I saw when I was that adolescent in my school library!
Along with that, my real personality is flourishing back to what it was like before the divorce. Less afraid to make mistakes, having fun in the journey and taking on things against any odds that don't seem to hinder me as much. God has been, is and will continue to walk with me through this journey called life, but it just keeps getting better with Him.
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